behind, beneath, remains

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As I had a plan I thought I was happy. But then I let the plan go, and started working with ´what is`, the present moment and as a result new possibilities presented themselves. I let go of the plan and choreographic structures came to life. My plan seemed to destroy the lively possibility. Or so it seemed. Because is there a chance; plan, structure and liveliness can meet? I allowed myself to go where I normally don´t go when in a public space, in an attempt to find something new; in the meeting with a public space, my inner space and the co photo choreographers I was dancing with this day.  

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And then in a picture after the event; I saw my darkness. I see my rage, my anger, and my fatigue: of which there has not been invented a word yet. I saw all that I miss out of in life as an effect of being chronically ill. And I say that; this is art. Not the planned, structured, presentable choreography, but whats behind, whats beneath and what remains.

97F8E3C0-9855-4B87-9E51-0B8AA9A185DEI let go of the plan, I pick up the plan, and I let it go again. A sharing between the plan, and letting go becomes a structure. Its all choreography. And its life. 

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Choreographic moments

Every moment is a possibility to dance.                                                                                           I choose that every moment is a dance of possibility.                                                                      As I had a day in isolation to gather strength for days to come, I found myself moving about in my pyjamas before going to bed, elaborating as I was dancing, on how it feels not to have the strenght in my legs and body to move about. (A contradition ). And the tears came, and the body caved in, and I went into bed. But in that moment of dancing; I choreographed a dance, and its an authentic moment, that sits with me, lets me know me, my truth.
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Photo: Ole Henrik Kongsvik @okfotokurs
The ambivalence of moving, and not being able to move, makes for an interesting range of emotions, and as I lull myself to sleep I find my happy place again. I can choreograph. I can map out my choreographies in my blog, in my shorter moments of dancing, in my life spent with the people I occasionally manage to mingle with.
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Photo: Anja Wroldsen @anja_wroldsen

As I was discussing art process work with people, I discover new truths. I was pondering the idea of why, when I seemingly am so unafraid, I am worried to show people what I write. I came to the conclusion its because my body doesnt lie, and I easily confuse myself with words. I need my body to find my truth in words. I need to choreograph. I need to think of my words as choreography.
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Photo: Mette Karina Søreide @karomette

Photo choreography

AA5D8B90-2CA4-428F-B1A7-1D787761BFEASee what is. A research into new choreographic thinking, new perspectives, and an endless quest for something more, never less, regardless of condition or situation.

3F0D0214-E2FA-4D4E-AD31-97BF10E2E386A stage attracts me towards its presence, my presence, meeting the stage, wanting to feel alive the way I love feeling alive, by dancing, literally. On the stage, feeling my presence, daring to move, asking my fellow photo choreographers: You don’t need to photograph me, but you can if you like. Choreographing their own perspectives on my dancing.

0CB6303C-F925-410B-B28D-DB3219D681C4My body feels like going deeper, going inwards, going toward the yet still unknown, I wish to feel alive. The few couple of minutes my body allows me to improvise a choreography I am presenting my being as it is there and then, in the meeting with the photo choreographers, picking up whatever fits their mode, their perspective, their moment, their awareness and their being at that moment. The choreography the photo choreographers are making are as authentic as they are. Same improvised being, myself in motion on the stage that moment, is being picked up differently from every one of them. The meeting with an audience: the photo choreographers.

70692506-F7A1-4250-95A6-F1B848004A6AI apologize as I move, I explain to myself that I am afraid they find me a bit weird. If I were to follow every impulse at that moment I potentially scare the hell out of these people, and I try to combat my own feeling of fear by explaining what might potentially come. I rehearse my being with the photo choreographers.

Create, play, enjoy, repeat

Tipod and Movement

A tripod, I am slowly learning how to use a camera..and.                                                                     abstract movement in motion;  passion in life.

 

Choreographing rooms to play, create, enjoy and repeat. This picture sums up my life at the moment (Besides my main job: resting), a tripod and abstract movement; choreography.

Creating and event* Creating: A workshop, and Doing the event: Being.

Constructing avenues to create value, and promoting the goal of moving abstractly. Dancing through life. Really. Practicing choreography. Choreographic humanism.

Abstract is beautiful and profound in my definition, and inspired by the mentors I have chosen on my path, both in art and perception.**

Finding the abstract, feeling the abstract, and living the abstract.

The abstract as a metaphor for being truly alive, evolving, moving, feeling and enjoying. And the abstract can be defined, and described, by so much more. Its being aware of oneself and others and determining to see whats beautiful about any situation. I told the following to one of the beautiful people I had the good fortune to play with in the dance studio the other day:

“Life is shit then you die. So, what do you like about the shit? What can you enjoy about this reality as it is? ”

Holding a workshop in physical improvisational practice again, after stopping for over 1, 5 year, is a shock to my system, the body, but the mind truly enjoyed it and it felt like it was yesterday. This is the ambivalent life in my experience of having ME. The body doesn’t follow the mind, there is dissonance with no apparent logic. Yet returning to the dance studio was like coming home, and doing what I love.  As the ability to physically move has been taken away from me at length (I can do short dances here and there, a couple of minutes at a time. ). I am finding a space to be calm, and not move away from my being. And the stillness is new and has been frightening for me. But as I mature I am not afraid.

Finding vulnerable rooms in people I work with, being concerned that they are ok within the creative play, and also resting on the fact that I can provide them with that security, if they so wish. A room to create, play, enjoy and repeat.

And I am doing this as a research and as a passion. Its not showing off, its a showing of. Always. In any endeavor. I create events, to be.

*Being and Event is a book by Bourriad                                                                                **Mentor I recommend looking into for anyone interested in developing true creativity: Al Wunder, Daisaku Ikeda and John Britton of Duende School.

Its all Choreography

In a conversation I surprised myself with an answer to a question I can’t remember: I need to create! There it was, the answer to find value in living a life with limitations out of this world. Be creative, create and keep creating. My writing, my dancing and my interacting in all endeavors is Choreography. *

I can’t wear my shoes, but I can be creative.

I have an awareness of the limitations an illness like ME provide, and an excitement of learning to work with “what is”** as a resource, not a handicap.

*Choreography is per definition: the skill of combining movements into dances to be performed: the skill of relating to the world with a dance.

For me dancing is enlightenment. It also means to find choreography/dance in all actions one sets out to do. To smile to the person next to you, to create avenues for value: in the living room, creating rooms for meeting other people, and sometimes it means to drag myself over the road for a meal with a friend at the thai restaurant, and all other “doings” that is reachable within “what is”.

**”what is” for me personally here and now, means living with serious ME, an illness with no scientific sure. 

2019 Same, same, but different

Same illness, no improvement, but I handle it with a realistically positive spirit.

Excited to embark on a new creative journey involving photography, writing and choreography.

I am writing an application for funding; researching how to create art on a high level; with a chronic illness.

In my experience the illness has contributed to my art in unexpected and deep ways. I could have wanted it to be different, but I am embracing the reality as it is.

Photographer: Jorunn Ingvarda Rødseth Pedersen
https://www.instagram.com/ingvarda/

Connecting to my abstract being.

mariakirkenSurrendering

A couple of minutes during a church service on the international women’s day I have been hired to dance. The priest tells me to just be, and not to focus on perfectly performing. I understand where she is coming from, and it truly touches me to have this deeper sense of understanding. I am a practicing buddhist doing a job for a christian protestant community, participating in their rituals. I get to observe the bishop, priest, prost and more; pray before the sermon, for everyone present, before it all starts. I absolutely love this moment as I pass them in the back room. I live for this practice of respect.  The task is for me to be in response to the words spoken by bishop, the sounds from the musicians, the church room itself and my own experience in the moment there and then. To surrender to being present in my body, and share through my dance what that is. I have the shoes from #millionsmissing norway with me, placed through the isles of the church and they serve as a reminder, and a statement, of where I am (together with millions over the world) at as a severe ME sick dancer/choreographer/improvisor. I have rested all day, I have rested all day yesterday and I will rest all day tomorrow. I love this moment that I have been given and agreed to give myself; to escape the ME, to be the dancer I am, and share.

Will my body manage the task? Will a full church of 180 people connect to my abstract being?

I felt I mastered the task. I had a feeling I could have dwelled longer in certain moments; that I rushed parts of my moments; however I was present in my moments, and I was supported by wonderful musicians that couldn’t have done a better job in being there with me, carrying my movements as a blanket of support.

After; my body is shivering from physical shock and lactic acid is already present. But I managed to do it, and I am happy. There is not joy without courage and no virtue without effort. (Jean-Jacques Rousseau. ) Now I will take care of this ME sick body, rest it up and hope for new days where this type of work can be done more often.

Choreography from bed in 2018

 

21171137_10159452001245160_477717751_oFoto: Magdalena From Delis Location: @spinaecompany Stord Island, Norway

My choreographic grant from the Norwegian Union for professional dancers, choreographers and dance-teachers, has gone into investing in a creative online writing course. I will dedicate myself to this course from my bed through 2018. Fortunately my cognitive ability has some stamina, whereas my physical ability has gone from bad to worse through 2017.

2018 will be a year where I never compromise my health for anything. I will be choreographing from my bed, working on my skills through writing. And I am excited to see what new works will emerge from this! I also indulge in reading Paul Roberts phd and I recommend  this for every thinking body: An Unfinished Mindful Body Meets Live Choreographies of Solo Dance

I have also plans to perform “Please Body Follow” again as soon as my health has some reliable stamina. Wishing everyone that clicked themselves into my blog a very happy 2018, make it the best one yet!

For there to be found a cure for ME in my lifetime they say funding for research needs to go up 100-200%. (TED talk Jen Brea) You can donate to research in Norway by following this link: ME-research in Norway

 

Ytre, periferisk og indre fokus. Kan vi velge?

Jeg jobber med nyere prosjekt og nyere utøvere. “Body Talks” blir et prosjekt som jager frem det ytterst personlige hos utøverne jeg jobber med. Det kan synes som at jeg lager koreografi på dem, men strengt tatt er det utøverne selv som velger og deler fra sine liv.

Det har kommet meg for øre at noen advarer mot dette, at utøveren må ta vare på seg selv. Det oppfordrer jeg utøveren om. Å kjenne på hvor langt de vil gå, kan gå, bør gå og hvor effektivt det kan være å holde igjen, fremfor å gi alt.

Det er kraft i de spissede narrativene i seg selv, jeg undrer meg over hvordan jeg får frem kroppens språk i møte med narrativene. Bevegelsen skal tale. Det abstrakte skal runge. Og du er velkommen på premieren 24 november.  BodyTalks

Så langt har vi undret oss over indre, periferisk og ytre fokus, hva dette er, hva det kan være og hvordan det kan informere materialet i narrativene. Hvordan hver enkelt forstår dette og bruker det som verktøy er fremdeles noe tvetydig. Og tvetydigheten er spennende.

Utøverne har gått gjennom 2 timer lange intervjuer foran kamera, og nå begynner utforskningen fra et objektivt sted, med undring over egne narrativ og hvordan disse møter bevegelsen.

Foto: Øyvind Toft

“Den abstrakte formen og bevegelsen i bilde er hentet frem gjennom improvisasjon rundt mitt eget spissede narrativ. Dette narrativet får komme frem gjennom et indre fokus; tanker og følelser rundt narrativet, godt blandet med et periferisk fokus på kroppen, formen og bevegelsen. Jeg vil si at det ytre fokuset er mindre i min bevissthet, men det trenger ikke være en sannhet. Fotografen er der, gangen jeg beveger meg i er kald og assistenten som holder blitzen påvirker alt i det ytre. Men det ytre er mindre i mitt fokus, enn det indre. Og det periferiske er mindre enn det indre, men det er sterkere i mitt fokus enn det ytre. ”

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